Sunday, March 8, 2009

Toy Soldiers "Review"


This review is full of high squee and loads of screencaps. Do not read this if you are faint of heart or have issues with gushiness. 2 NSFW pics are linked only for your safety.

(I am not normally like this, but this film brought out the total teenager in me.)

You have been warned.

Toy Soldiers (1991)

First of all, HOW THE HELL did I not see this film when it was first out?! HOW?! I actually think I can guess how after watching it. I was too young or perhaps too old to watch it. 1991? I was 16, so I think I was just out of my "cute young boy" phase and into my "man phase," which I've settled into nicely.

The plot was pretty simple: A prep school full of boys is infiltrated and taken hostage by terrorists because one of the boy's fathers was the judge that helped put the lead terrorist guy's father in prison. Will the boys find a way to survive and escape?

But that's not really important.

The most fun is just all the eye candy and action. I usually like a film with substance, but this, my friends, this is just darned fun.

Presented below is a sort of "photo review" of what I personally considered highlights of the film. No spoilers will be given, so once you finish reading this, RUN, don't walk to Netflix InstantWatch, your local video store, or online somewhere and watch this film.

First of all:

OMFG. Bare-chested, teenaged Wil Wheaton? With a totally gay cross earring?! Um...*faints* And this is only the beginning of the film!

Veiled gay overtones! Sean Astin looking all tough in a wifebeater and sporting a mullet! How much more awesome could you put in one scene?!

But wait...there's MORE! Wil starts swearing like a motherfucker in this scene and doesn't stop until the end of the film!!! Dudes, Wil Wheaton swearing! It's like...the apocalypse, but more fun. XD

Something for everyone here.

Crotch and belly shot two-for of Sean Astin (although I somehow like the chunky LOTR Sean better) gets even better!!!

NSFW Sean front

(Honestly not sure what he's holding there.)

NSFW Sean behind

No words.

I was literally in shock for several seconds after this scene. This is most definitely the closest thing to porn teenaged girls (and boys!) in the early 90s could get. Actually, it's almost better.

Did I mention Wil Wheaton was in this film? Yeah. My total favorite from my teenaged years.

D'awww...Keith huggable. D'awww...:)

Extremely gay half-naked hand shaking scene with superhappybonus Keith Coogan in bikini briefs. 'Nuff said.

WATCH OUT EVERYONE, Wesley's got a gun!!! LOVED this part.

Keith Coogan closeup FTW!

Andrew Divoff as a Hispanic terrorist FTW x infinity!

Motherf'ing Lou Gossett Jr. AND Denholm Elliott?! *brain implodes*

And now, let us close, how we opened:


I am SO glad I saw this for the first time at home and not at the New Bev. I may have shrieked aloud and made an utter fool of myself. I'm not always this squee-y, but I'm PMSing and this film is just a lotta lotta fun eye candy. Thank you, filmmakers and good on ya! :)

Do me a favor and rent this film. It's fun, it's entertaining, and I can't believe these boys actually got to do all this stuff outside of their "good boy" personas and that I didn't know about it until I was 34. ;)

Toy Soldiers is playing as part of a double bill with Adventures in Babysitting TONIGHT (Wednesday, March 9) at one of my personal favorite rep houses, the New Beverly Cinema here in L.A., and Keith Coogan will be on hand to introduce both films. If you're in the area, don't miss the opportunity to see this film!

P.S. This post (originally posted at my livejournal) was called "laugh out loud funny" by Mr. Keith Coogan himself! High praise indeed!

1 comment:

  1. I've been nostalgic recently and this movie come to my mind. It was one of my fav when I was 11 or 12 years old, never liked a movie so much until Toy Soldiers (besides Karate Kid or Ninja Turtles maybe). I'm a big fan, so bad it is not enough photos or interviews about it, it is nice people still remember/like it. I know you haven't post in a while, but I hope you can read my comment.

    Ps.-You are a truly fangirl, I'm very impress, look at all the celebrities you met!